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Mar 30, 2012

Spring Break letters (with pictures)

Dear Weather Gods,

I love you, and I think you love me, too. There could have been no greater gift to me during Spring Break than glorious weather, and you delivered it in abundance.  I credit you with keeping my sanity [somewhat] intact for the last 10 days.

I love you.  I love you.  I love you.

Fresh-air breather

*

Dear Wright Co.,

You are richer and we are poorer since we first met, but I am glad that you replaced our 26-year-old beast of a furnace and our miraculously-hanging-on 15-year-old water heater.  AND you installed air conditioning, which I am sure we will love.  I could have done without having the water turned off for three hours, and the terrible fumes that permeated the house all afternoon, and the water heater noise that necessitated a new new water heater, and some of the workers' smart remarks about Garry and I "having our hands full" with five kids, but it all worked out in the end, right?

And I totally laughed [out loud!] when two of your installers geeked out over the thermostat Garry bought.

Best regards,

The customers who got a smokin' deal


*

Dear Chick Fil-a,

Our family visited your establishment for lunch while the Wright Co. was busy working at our house.  You may have overheard Garry's "pick your poison" comment, wherein he wondered if it was easier to keep crazy kids at home or manage crazy kids in public.  We never came to a good conclusion on that point, but your chicken was delicious, and three of our children enjoyed your indoor playground.  Apparently one of our offspring is too big for that attraction (but not so big that he can be pleasant on an outing).

It's our pleasure,

Bartle, party of seven


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Dear Baby Einstein movies,

We just introduced Kate to your wondrous entertainment.  She's a fan.  Don't tell the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Guiltily,

The lazy-bones mother


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Dear McCrary Family,

Dodge ball was super awesome.  Thanks for inviting us!  Next time bring 12 green balls and Gavin will be a happier participant.

Actively yours,

The Bartle boys


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Dear Costco,

I was pretty embarrassed when my debit card was declined three times in a row.  I'm so glad I had cash to pay for my groceries.  I started to get upset when my debit card wouldn't work at your gas pump a few minutes later.  Did someone hijack my account and steal my money?  Had I reset the PIN and forgotten?  Would I be able to drive to another station on gas fumes?  I finally figured it out.  I had been trying to use my Health Savings Account debit card, which is the same color as my regular debit card, and apparently my insurance company doesn't authorize charges for food and gasoline.

Hiding in shame,

If Only I Had a Brain

*

Dear Self,

Next time you bring home a rotisserie chicken from Costco for dinner, don't tell the boys that the part of the chicken they are eating is the breast.  No one will talk of anything except breasts for the next 30 minutes, and you will have to pretend it isn't funny.

With a straight face,

Wiser Mom

*

Dear J.A. Henckels,

You make sharp knives.  I probably should have had my left index finger stitched on Tuesday, but made do with steri-strips, Band-Aids, and medical tape.  I've had enough of the ER this year (read: this life).

I promise to be more careful next time.

Butterfingers

*

Dear Cottonwood Creek Recreation Center,

It's a pity that you don't honor your family discount during Spring Break.  Garry forked out the extra ten bucks so he didn't have to disappoint the kids, but your policy is Really Super Lame.  I would have registered my disapproval in person if I owned (or cared to own) a swimming suit that fits.

But aren't you glad that Garry also brought in the lost little girl from the parking lot before she got snatched by some creepster?  I bet her mom is, even though she didn't know her child was missing.

Not that I am one to judge.  Especially not at that park behind you, the scene of one too many lectures from strangers.

Cheaply,

A taxpayer


*

Dear Annie,

You don't read this blog, but I just have to say: I'm sooooo excited that you got your temple recommend!  I can't wait to go to the temple with you next week.  Watching you grow in the gospel has been one of the greatest joys of my life.

Much love,

Your Mormon friend

*

Dear Starr,

Thanks for joining me at the temple on Wednesday.  It was exactly the right kind of sanity break from our crazy lives, don't you think?

Love you,

A kindred spirit


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Dear Groupon,

Thanks for offering that $25 deal on 60-minute massages the other week.  I redeemed my Groupon this week, and the massage was lovely.  Well, except for the part where I cried on the table and smeared mascara and snot all over the face rest.  That part wasn't very nice.

An embarrassed but knot-free customer

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Dear Janice,

Do you have to go back to BYU-I?  Aren't you getting a great education by being our regular daytime babysitter?  What am I going to do in two weeks when I have a doctor's appointment and you're living in Rexburg?  (Seriously....I need a plan.)

Waaaaaa.......

The lady whose checks probably paid your tuition

*

Dear Candleflower Park,

When the kids and I scootered/rode/walked toward you on Thursday, I thought to myself how cool it was that we live within scootering/riding/walking distance from you.  I also thought to myself how great it would be to sit down with a book while all my children entertained themselves with your attractions.

Then Gavin cut his foot and Zachary threw up after spinning too fast on the merry-go-round.  So we went home.  It really is nice that you are close, dear park, because Zach threw up three times at the park and again in the greenway behind our house.  If we had been in the car, that would have been baaaaaad.

Gratefully,

The lady on an adjacent culdesac


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Dear Television,

You are on probation, Mr. TV.  I believe you have exactly two purposes: (1) to put me to sleep at night; and (2) to keep my children out of trouble.  Although you seem to have been on duty 24/7 this week, my children cannot seem to sit on the couch and/or stay out of the kitchen while you are babysitting.  Either you do your part to make my life easier, Mister, or I will stop paying [for] you.  I guess the other option is sewing four straight jackets with muzzles into the couch, but that doesn't really have the feng shui effect I'm going for in the living room.  So get crackin'.

The management

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Dear Former Owners of This House,

When you finished the basement and installed laundry machines under the stairs, you ran 40 feet of venting pipe (I'm sure there's a proper name for this) so that dryer lint could escape the house.  You failed to appreciate that the standard maximum venting distance is 12 feet.  This probably explains why our vents (which we replaced in 2008 for an exorbitant fee) are hopelessly clogged with lint.  It does NOT explain why the people who replaced those vents in 2008 did not recommend we move our appliances.

The moral of this story is that our dryer is broken because you made a bad decision, and I am mad at you.  (Sidebar: Blaming you doesn't really make me feel better.  Or cause money to magically appear in my pockets.  But I'm blaming you anyway.)

Signed:

Ticked off


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Dear Friday,

I am pretty sure that Thursday was 100 hours long.  Thank you for being the standard 24, and for requiring [a bit] less of my frazzled nerves.  Thursday's 6:00 meltdown was not much fun for anyone.

The mental patient

*


Dear Knight in Dirty Old Car,

Thank you for jump-starting my van battery in a random parking lot.  Again.

Forever yours,

Damsel in Distress


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Dear Spring Break,

I've been afraid of you for a while, but you weren't too terribly awful.  But I'm really glad you're over.

And I'm really afraid of summer.

Signing off--

The Mom
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