I spent the day dressed in my ugliest clothes and my old running shoes. During naps and after kids were in bed for the night, I painted Lexi's bedroom. The moulding got two fresh coats of bright white paint. The walls turned from yellow to pink. My paint clothes gathered new spatter.
When I paint, I like to be alone with my thoughts. Today as I brushed and rolled, I pondered the irony of investing time, money, and effort in a home I thought we were leaving. Are we really spending part of the money earmarked for our move to re-carpet this house? It seems a little crazy, but then the last 8 months have been crazy, so why not continue the trend?
Some days I am completely content with being here in Colorado Springs. I love my life here. I love the people here. I sense purpose in staying here. But the last few days, as I have had a few reminders of what I thought life would be like right now, I have questioned why our journey has been such a meandering one. I really have no idea where we are going next.
Will we always be here? Will circumstances ever prompt us to step forward with moving plans again? Am I destined to raise my kids away from family and other dear ones? And what was the last year about, anyway? I'd sure love to know. I'm not a girl who ever reads the last page of a book ahead of time, but I'd really like a peek at my future life to see what is coming sometimes. Mostly I just want an answer to the "why" of it all. Of course I'm aware I won't likely get that until the next life!
Don't get me wrong -- I'm not unhappy. I'm just trying (again) to find my place in the world. Today my place was in a small room with a can of paint. Tomorrow's plan: rinse and repeat. If only all of life were so predictable.