I spent the day dressed in my ugliest clothes and my old running shoes. During naps and after kids were in bed for the night, I painted Lexi's bedroom. The moulding got two fresh coats of bright white paint. The walls turned from yellow to pink. My paint clothes gathered new spatter.When I paint, I like to be alone with my thoughts. Today as I brushed and rolled, I pondered the irony of investing time, money, and effort in a home I thought we were leaving. Are we really spending part of the money earmarked for our move to re-carpet this house? It seems a little crazy, but then the last 8 months have been crazy, so why not continue the trend?
Some days I am completely content with being here in Colorado Springs. I love my life here. I love the people here. I sense purpose in staying here. But the last few days, as I have had a few reminders of what I thought life would be like right now, I have questioned why our journey has been such a meandering one. I really have no idea where we are going next.
Will we always be here? Will circumstances ever prompt us to step forward with moving plans again? Am I destined to raise my kids away from family and other dear ones? And what was the last year about, anyway? I'd sure love to know. I'm not a girl who ever reads the last page of a book ahead of time, but I'd really like a peek at my future life to see what is coming sometimes. Mostly I just want an answer to the "why" of it all. Of course I'm aware I won't likely get that until the next life!
Don't get me wrong -- I'm not unhappy. I'm just trying (again) to find my place in the world. Today my place was in a small room with a can of paint. Tomorrow's plan: rinse and repeat. If only all of life were so predictable.
8 comments:
When you think you are going to move, and then don't, it does crazy things to your mind. I know this. When we moved/but didn't move, we came back and did all kinds of improvements. We just had to!
I'm happy you got some painting done after all...now I just need to see an after picture! Pretty please?
One day at a time the miracles and answers unfold....so slowly we can't see them. Just enjoy the journey.
courage and patience will always pay off :)
The past 8 months have been full of growth and insight. Ups and downs for sure, but lots of knowledge along the way, and some very good experiences for your family. Hang on, my 'get-it-done' friend! You do everything with such flare!
We moved three times in less than one year, to get to where we live now. Sometimes it's an uphill battle, that's for sure. It'll all work out, eventually.
I'm there with you Heidi! It will work and Heavenly Father will put you where you need to be. :)
I know the feeling of expectation and limbo so well. I am glad you are here for the time being, and am excited to experience your journeys ahead as your friend!
I'm COMPLETELY the girl who reads the last page of the book first. Even if it makes no sense at the time. Even if I'll forget what the last page said by the time I'll actually get there. I'm not sure what this says about me, but I know how you feel and if given the opportunity, you can bet I'd take a peek at 'the end' with the hopes of making some sense of the now. For what it's worth, we're so glad you're here 'for now.' In fact, I miss you...come by and meet my Lea sometime! ;)
Post a Comment