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Sep 28, 2010

More Letters

Dear Laundry Thief,

I knew you were hiding my kitchen towels and rags! I don't appreciate you stuffing them behind the dryer. Now they are all full of lint. I've got you all figured out now; you'll have to find a different place to stash the clean stuff. Zach can probably give you ideas, since his clean, folded clothing always ends up in the hamper.

Thank you,

Management

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Dear Walmart,

Why must you remodel? I can't find anything anymore.

Well, except for the Buttery Toffee Crunch 'n Munch, which you put on the "impulse aisle" and sold to me for $1.00. You know I'm coming back for more. Besides, I still need raisins (and more time to find them).

Sincerely,

A fat, frustrated shopper

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Dear Voice Male,

I love your HIMS II album, especially track 6. It speaks to my soul. Sadly, my children cannot tolerate your music in the car.

Musically yours,

Another Mormon Mom

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Dear Primary President,

I know you mailed my kids' parts for the Children's Sacrament Meeting program approximately three days ago, but we lost them already. I know you offered to be my fairy god mother. I hope this isn't a deal-breaker.

Shamefully yours,

Sister Bartle

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Dear Good Samaritan,

Thank you for scrubbing the graffiti off of the community mailbox. I know our teenage neighbor girl probably thought she was being cute by writing "be mine" and "i {heart} you" in pink marker, but it was still pretty annoying. I'm glad you have the time and initiative that I don't.

Warm regards,

Your neighbor

P.S. Have you seen the utility box on the corner? That needs some attention, too.

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Dear Rams football team mom,

Thank you for calling me to follow up on football pictures. All of your emails went to my spam folder, and I would have been sad if Zach was the only one to show up in a ratty t-shirt instead of the team jersey. Plus, I want a team picture. Go Rams!

Sincerely,

A flakey mom

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Dear Land's End catalog,

I love you. I can't afford anything you sell, but if I could, I would dress my kids exclusively in your clothes. I'm not very preppy anymore, but the buttoned-up side of me really likes your cardigans and khakis. You would be appalled at what I wear instead. So would Stacey and Clinton. Don't tell.

Your devoted fan

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Dear Halloween,

You used to be my favorite holiday.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Sincerely,

A frazzled mom

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Dear Costco Macaroni and Cheese,

You were sooooo good at the sample table on Saturday. I'm really hoping you'll make an excellent dinner tonight. I was going to pair you with a side of broccoli, but the broccoli I have is rotten. The kids will be thrilled.

Hungrily (and lazily) yours,

An unmotivated cook

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Dear treadmill,

Remember how thrilled you were a few weeks ago when someone was using you for something besides a rod for clothes that need ironing? You probably thought someone was going press the "on" switch and give you some real attention. Instead, people took you apart, stuffed you in the bathroom, and then put you back together on the new carpet. Do you like the way you face the TV now?

I promise that soon I will help you fill the measure of your creation. But be warned: I weigh more than I did the last time we were friends.

Much love,

Mommy Beluga

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Dear Blues Clues DVD,

Oh wait, I already sang your praises. Still love ya.

me

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Dear End of Fiscal Quarter,

My husband tells me I won't be seeing much of him this week because of you. Boo hiss.

Thank you for releasing him from your grip long enough so that I can visit teach tonight.

Thank you also for keeping him employed.

Forever in your debt,

The wife

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Dear Stanley the Giant Stuffed Bear,

When you joined our family Saturday (at the same time as the mac and cheese), you probably didn't know that Gavin would start potty training two days later. I did. And that's why, after Gavin fell asleep at naptime today, I helped you sit up at the other end of the bed. I knew he'd pee his pants and didn't want to ruin you so quickly. After all, you don't fit in the washing machine.

You owe me.

Mama Bear

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Dear Facebook,

As you know, I'm a little obsessed with you. I'm starting to think that it's a little unhealthy for me to have a triple-digits number of friends online and a single-digit number in real life. Should we break up?

Forever yours (maybe),

Heidi Dixon Bartle
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