Aug 27, 2012


Dear FedEx,

You're on my black list.  Three weeks ago I made a darling photo book.  Two weeks ago I ordered it (I was waiting for a coupon to take effect), and today I found out that you lost it. I know it's not a life-altering catastrophe that I'm going to have to mail a gift rather than hand-deliver it, but you seriously make me mad.

You'd better deliver the wedding album I ordered on the 18th.


A customer bound to Blurb's shipping options

Dear Courtyard Marriott Downtown,

Thank you for employing English-speaking personnel on the early shift.  I appreciated being able to converse with someone about my reservation issues without saying "Pardon me?" 100,000 times in ten minutes.

See you in a few weeks,

The lady who can't wait to get out of town, even if it's only 60 miles away and for 24 hours

Dear YMCA,

I was astonished to find you so full when I stumbled into your establishment, all bleary-eyed, at 5:13 this morning.  I think some of those folks in the cardio room had been burning calories for a full 13 minutes by the time I arrived.  I wonder if any of them were as reticent about getting out of bed as I.

Also, am I the only one whose toes go numb after an hour on the elliptical?

Just wondering,

The lady with the worst photo ID on the planet

Dear bathroom scale,

You're probably going to be the best part of my day/week/month, since you told me today that I've lost all my Kate weight.  I might have checked three times and giggled a little. And clapped.  The fat lady hasn't sung yet, though, so plan on seeing me for a while.

Especially since I celebrated (slash recovered from my lousy day) by eating homemade chocolate chip cookies.  Three, actually.  And they were fantastic.

Your owner

Dear writers of the Ensign,

I mostly love you, and the whole magazine, and how I feel when I read what you produce. But I am totally confused by the theme of this year's visiting teaching messages.  It's just a little awkward to talk with ladies I teach about what great visiting teachers we all should be, when probably none of us are great visiting teachers, but we're all too nice to speak up and say, "Hey! You need to work on that!"  I mean, really.  It's the end of August and I still don't get it.

A trying-to-be-faithful VT

Dear Lexi,

There is a reason I haven't gone visiting teaching with children in tow for TEN YEARS. Today you reminded me, and I won't be repeating that mistake.  Thank you.

Yo mama

Dear readers,

Does anyone out there [who is local; be reasonable] want to babysit for me while I go visiting teaching next month?  I'm happy to trade....and bring you chocolate, because you'll need some.

That lady with the crazy kids

Dear Kate,

Your pigtails are so stinkin' cute that I just want to eat you up.  That, and your dimples, and your darling waddly-walk, and your newest word: "Uh-oh."  Delicious.

But even though you had all that going on at church yesterday, I was still worried. Remember how we played hooky during Sunday School so you could stretch your legs? The way you zoomed around the building, explored every doorway (including the men's restroom, while I was talking to someone), climbed onto a stool, worked the drinking fountain, and picked through other people's diaper bags made me think, "Wow. This girl is a force of nature."

I think my Beaverton friend was right when she told me that calm, docile, quiet children just weren't in my gene pool.

Yours in intensity,

The one who gave birth to you (and don't you ever forget it)

Dear Walmart, Ross, TJMaxx, Kohl's, and Albertsons,

I have plastic bags full of items to return to all of you.  Do you employ a courier service? Because I'm just not sure I'm ever going to get my money back.  But you probably already knew that.  Very tricky.

The hard-to-fit and fashion-clueless shopper

Dear orange couch,

The saga of your construction is almost complete.  (I bet most people don't know it continued beyond July 31).  Since we can't fix how deep you are, or how tall you are, or the fact that I made the pillow covers too large for the actual pillows, I put layers of stuffing in the pillow covers and bought some cute throw pillows.  There's a fun pop of color now, and it's a bit more comfortable for me to sit on you.

You won't be lonely down there for long; I intend to buy a new curtain rod, curtains, something coordinating for the walls, and possibly a coffee table.  I don't want those things to end up on my Christmas list.  (Haha.)

Your short-legged owner

Dear lunch,

I mostly hate your middle-of-the-dayness and the hassle you add to my life.  But I had a stroke of brilliance and decided to pack lunches for the Littles when I pack lunches for the Bigs at 7:00 a.m.  Sometimes I even make something for myself at that time.  It's pretty much the best parenting/housekeeping thought I've ever had.

Well, that, and 7:00 p.m. bed time, but I can't get away with that very much anymore.

Yours truly,

The Mom

Dear Fox Run Park,

It was great to see you again after a four-year hiatus.  The party we attended among your trees and grass (and, let's be honest, lots of dirt) was so fun for the kids.  But we came home with FOUR (count 'em: 1-2-3-4!) new goldfish.  I guess the fish we already have will have company.

Except that one of the new fish will not be in that group.  He died, and Garry ground him up in the garbage disposal.  Gross.


The lady who swore she'd never, ever have pets

Dear Zach,

No.  That does NOT mean you can have a dog.

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