Aug 30, 2009

How to pamper your garbage cans

First, bring your garbage and recycling bins to the side of the house that is easiest to access from the back door. Keep them on your porch for a long time.

When this novelty wears off (i.e., the wafting stench sickens you), decide to build them their own patio from pavers left over from other projects. Then concoct a plan to construct a cement pad that is smooth and beautiful and conveniently located. Prepare the ground for this marvelous structure.

Purchase fancy tools and an obscene amount of concrete mix. Be sure to lift each of the 80-pound bags four times between the store shelf and their ultimate destination. Build muscles and break your back in honor of all the garbage!

Involve small children with the water hose.

Mix three bags of concrete mix with water in the wheelbarrow. Mix and churn and mix and churn and remember you're saving fifty bucks by not renting the cement mixer from Home Depot. In a move worthy of Tom Sawyer, convince your seven-year-old that mixing and churning is fun and get him to take a turn. Form eternal parent-child bonds over the love of work. (Or at least mete out punishment for unspeakable crimes committed earlier in the week.)

When all the concrete is poured, use a not-so-fancy 2x4 to level it. Then bust out the real tools to make it look good.

Let each family member make their mark in the cement. Six names and hand prints of descending size transform the garbage pad into an heirloom work of art.

Hastily construct a protective cover when the sky opens and rain descends. Measure the hail when it falls.

Finally, bask in the glory of the finished product. Imagine the "oohs" and "ahhs" your garbage cans would make if they could speak. Make a mental note to spray the cans down with the hose at the next opportunity.

They are pretty gross, after all.
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