I have really loved the Ordinary Courage class I'm taking online. It is helping me rediscover myself and find my voice -- two things that I kind of lost over the last 18 months. Plus I've enjoyed interacting with the community of learners who are all in the same boat. Today I am completing another homework assignment.
One thing I've been learning about is the kind of identity I instinctively want to portray. There are about 15 categories of identities, from appearance and body image to aging to speaking out. My favorite line from last week's interview with Brene Brown and Jen Lemen went something like this: "I want to be perceived as a runner. I don't want to run. But I want people to think I'm a runner." I laughed out loud, and listened to that part of the conversation about five times.
For example, as a parent, I'd like to be perceived as this lady:
You know, because she's calm and happy and living in the moment and totally in love with her children. She allows her children to fully express themselves (ala stripes and polka dots, among other things), and of course she has found the perfect balance between getting enough sleep, working out like crazy to have those tiny thighs, and teaching her three-year-old the Articles of Faith over dinner.
I do NOT want to be perceived as this lady, whose entire existence is distilled into an illustrated nursery rhyme:
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread,
And whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.
Clearly, this lady has issues. She made irrational decisions about family size and has no capacity to back them up. She is ornery and tired and overwhelmed (not to mention abusive). She has too much to do, and it's all her fault, and her children will grow up to be criminals or daytime talk show hosts (or worse: the guests).
If by now you are thinking that my crazy brain should be medicated, you are probably correct.
Anyway.
In her book, Brene Brown explains that shame (the feeling that something is inherently wrong with me) is triggered when my unwanted identity is perceived. So when my neighbor or a lady at the park or a member of my family criticizes my parenting skills, I feel shame. That makes sense, right? The real kicker, though, is that 99% of the time, I'm the one labeling myself with an unwanted identity. I'm the one who calls myself the old lady in the shoe, because clearly I don't know what to do! Identifying this pattern has been hugely helpful for me. I'm getting better at figuring out who my inner critics are and what they are saying.
The other "aha" piece goes back to what Brene said in the interview: "I want to be perceived as a runner, but I don't want to run." So when I look at Zen Mom, I think I'd like to be like her (and all my pre-conceived notions about her). But when I reality check the situation, I think, "I'd like to be perceived that way...but I don't really want to spend that much time at the gym. Or the salon. And fashion is overrated. And if I'm a Zen Mom, then I'd have to have Zen Kids, and I don't, and it's really okay. Life would be pretty boring if I felt (or acted) Zen all the time, and the world would miss out on my passion and energy. And if my house was always clean, I'd never do anything else, and heaven knows I have interests beyond cleaning the baseboards."
The truth is: My life isn't fit for the cover of a magazine, and I don't want it to be. I want to be perceived as real and down-to-earth and approachable, even if that means revealing my messes and neuroses. It's who I really am, and today, I'm totally okay with that.
5 comments:
This is making me think I should take that class...
I love the perceptions! Just last week, I was telling Ryan that I get really frustrated when my kids misbehave in public. I don't prefer misbehavior when I'm at home, but I don't feel shame when they're kids being kids at home. But, I fear the judgments that other people will make on me because 1) I've chosen to have four kids and 2) I've chosen to have them in less than 7 years. I think I read too many comments on a news commentary the day before I started worrying about it. It's amazing how I let random comments made by people I don't even know could change my day like that.
Loved this. Hadn't thought about the old woman and the shoe for a long time. Thanks for sharing what you are learning.
Perfectly written, Heidi!
I think I already told you that I have been reading one of Brene's books, too. The whole idea of shame being linked to perception is spot on. The fact that we are our own worst critics came into real focus for me. I KNOW other people perceive me differently than I perceive myself. Why can't I see what they see, I ask myself. I have been working on curtailing my negative self-talk, but it is a habit practiced over an entire lifetime. Sounds like a great workshop, Heidi. I would love to attend one someday.
I think there are a lot of really wise observations in here. It's like we judge 3 times: we judge the people we think we want to appear as (for being better than us, even though they're probably not, or at least certainly not in every way).
Then we judge the person we don't want to be, but think others perceive us as (ignore the grammar, I can't figure out how to fix it :)) for being the worst version of ourselves.
Then we judge the people around us for thinking the worst of us...when really it's US doing it to OURSELVES and projecting it on them!
Then when we're all done, to round things out, we judge ourselves for judging ourselves...oh boy...
Good luck in your class! It sounds like a really cool opportunity. You are great, just how you are.
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