Letters

Dear Mom,

Thank you for offering to buy me a new maternity dress for Women's Conference.

I can't find one a.n.y.w.h.e.r.e. But the gesture was lovely.

Love,

Your pregnant daughter

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Dear Women's Conference committee,

I know there is a dress code for presenters. I realize your code includes a dress and heels. But since I am really struggling to find something appropriate, I'm wondering if I could wear a cute top and my best jeans. If I also wear pearls and mascara, this should work since I'm standing behind a podium.

Right?

Sincerely,

Someone you might regret asking to speak

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Dear Motherhood Maternity sales associate,

You, at 17 or so, have no idea how much courage I had to muster to walk into your store today (to say nothing of bringing my loud and crazy children and giant double stroller). You also clearly have no idea what it feels like to be pregnant for the fifth time and to have the pressure of finding something fantastic to wear in front of hundreds of people on your 32nd birthday. Based on your attire, I'm guessing that clothing with sleeves and a modest neckline isn't a personal priority. Thank you for trying anyway. I know I probably shocked you to the core when, after trying on every dress your store carries, I left with just one and a promise to return it if I couldn't find the perfect cardigan to cover my shoulders.

Sincerely,

The annoying customer

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Dear Chapel Hills Mall,

Since when did Old Navy go out of business?

Disgruntled

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Dear Old Navy on Powers Boulevard,

Since when did you stop carrying maternity clothes? Pfffft.

Even more disgruntled

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Dear JCPenney,

Your maternity selection is abysmal. Seriously....not even one dress or skirt? What is this world coming to? Do you think pregnant women only go to the park?

But thank you for the coupon that gave me 25% off the area rug I am buying for my birthday. But no thank you on the shipping charge.

Cautiously yours,

Still looking

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Dear Kohl's,

I bought two maternity dresses from your establishment, but they both have problems for which solutions are not as simple as I expected. (Again with the sleeves and the modest neckline!) Even though I bought them for a great price, I will probably be returning them next time I feel like venturing to your part of town. I kept the receipt in a safe place for exactly this reason.

I still love you, Kohl's, but we might have to break up until I have a more reasonable figure. Right now you are just depressing.

Love your sales,

Bargain shopper

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Dear reader,

If you are wondering, "Why don't you just take what you wear to church and wear it to Women's Conference?" I will tell you. I have only ever been pregnant in the winter, except for the first time, and let's get real: nothing that fit me then fits me now.

Just getting that out of the way,

The author

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Dear body,

I try very hard to love you because I know I should. I am very grateful you are making such a nice home for our Littlest Missy right now, and that you haven't died in the process (it was a little sketchy there for a while, wasn't it?). However, the more angry letters I write to maternity clothing distributors, the more I realize it's not their fault that nothing fits. You are very oddly proportioned, even in a non-pregnant state, and you deserve a custom designer to outfit you. But since I can't afford that, I guess we're going to have to work extra hard to find something to wear to Women's Conference. I think we ought to downgrade our expectations from "fabulous" to "modest and not hideous." Deal?

Love (or trying to),

me