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Mar 2, 2010

Breathe in, breathe out

Some people call it cabin fever. Some call it claustrophobia. I call it indoor agitation. We have endured a long and frigid winter with perpetual ice and snow. There have been very few days since October that have been warm enough for outdoor play or even a walk around the block. Lately I have been suffocating. Today's sunshine and warm temperatures could not have arrived at a better time.

After a restless night, a rocky morning, and a harried string of errands, it was time to get outside. No one would believe the process involved in preparing my toddler, baby, and kindergartner for a walk, so I will spare the details. I hoped we could travel five miles after all that effort, but in the melee I forgot to change my shoes, so we walked a mile and landed at the park behind our house.






The kids couldn't have been more thrilled, and while they played in the sand, I sat on a bench, soaked up the sun, and breathed.

In....and out....and in....and out. Sometimes I forget to do that, you know. The life-sustaining air consumption happens, of course, but therapeutic breaths are few and far between. I forget to stop and center and breathe in the way that relaxes my soul.

I've been having the craziest dreams every night. I am always in a panic, having forgotten something important. In one dream I have to take a final exam for a class I didn't know I was enrolled in. I can't believe I have forgotten to go to class all semester, and that I don't have any notes to study for the big test. There's no way I will pass, and then I will fail the class and lose my scholarship and not graduate. I race around endlessly, trying to find someone to help me.

In another dream I am having a baby I didn't know was coming. My mom calls one day to ask when she can come help me -- she needs to buy a plane ticket and I need to make a plan. I am surprised to be pregnant, but distressed that the baby has had no prenatal care. I don't know if it's a boy or girl, or even if it is healthy. I can't believe I couldn't feel it kicking me. We don't have a crib or clothes or a car seat or a name.

Last night I dreamed about going back to school after a long absence. I am married, but Gavin and Lexi are my only children. I am moving into an apartment with five other girls, and they are all the children of my former roommates. I am the last to arrive, so I get the crappy bed and the highest shelves and don't have space in the fridge for my food. The apartment is crazy; I can't believe there isn't any privacy so I can nurse my baby. And I am completely unprepared for school. I don't have a computer or a pillow or a towel. I don't have a course schedule or any books for my classes. Garry is wandering around with Gavin in a stroller, trying to find me. I can see him, but he can't see me. It is a completely hopeless situation.

With all that is going on in my brain at night, it's no wonder I'm exhausted during the day. But today's brisk walk and park outing gave me the boost I needed to finish this day. The glorious sun in the sky and the warmth on my skin soothed my soul.



And, once more, I can breathe.

6 comments:

Carroll Conversations said...

Wow, what crazy dreams. Don't ya just wish your brain would turn off for a while, especially when you're supposed to be in a deep, restful, and rejuvinating sleep? (he he)

So happy you got some glorious sunshine for your soul today! Here's to a night with no dreams, right?

Danielle said...

maybe your dreams are a sign....going for your 5th kid without realizing it? lol. regardless-love the pics outside....looks like you guys had fun! :)

The Wizzle said...

Ugh, those dreams are enough to make anyone feel off-balance.

Isn't it funny how we forget how much things like fresh air heal us? We know it will help, but it seems like more trouble than it's worth, or we have other things we "should" be doing, or whatever.

Mine is a nap. I have to force myself to nap for a few minutes every afternoon and I am much happier. But I don't like doing it. Might miss something fun if you're asleep!

Anyway, glad you got your fix. If you move down here soon, though, you will get the Colorado winter and then the Arizona summer, which basically = a solid year of being stuck in the house!

Melanie said...

You were sunburned tonight. How fun is that?!? The return of chirping birds has done wonders for my mental health. I'm so glad you all got out today!

granny said...

Stop dreaming already.

Haha, like you can help it. I dreamed the other day I had the wedding date wrong in my head and everyone showed up and I was out in the yard in my work clothes, completely unprepared. Hm....better go get to work!

Jenny said...

I have a recurring nightmare that I'm on BYU campus with all my kids in tow and I'm late for a class and I can't find the building it's in. I don't remember even enrolling or why I'm back at BYU after having graduated and having five kids. To get anywhere on campus you have to climb four or five flights of stairs. It's like the BYU of nightmares, not reality. The dream makes me feel queasy and makes my heart pound and I wake up feeling stressed out. The blessing of having a new baby is that I'm too exhausted in my brief stretches of sleep to have dreams. Thank goodness.

The point of all that is that I can relate. May you sleep soundly soon.

pass it on!

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