Have you arrived in my city yet? Since you dumped snow on us seven days ago, I'm not really sure. But the sunshine and warm weather today makes me hopeful. Garry spring-ified the sprinklers last night and we took our first ration day for watering our pathetic lawn. If you're not here to stay and a pipe ends up bursting in teen-degree weather, I'm suing you for damages, which will include my pain and suffering from enduring a seven-month winter.
Dear Car Toys (don't spam me),
I paid you to detail my van last week and was astonished at your nickel-and-dime pricing structure. Why on earth does your base package not include the last two rows of seats in a van, or the trunk? Why did your detail package not include cleaning the outside, too? And why were you so aghast at the state of my van? I mean, I know it was gross, but do people with clean vehicles pay you for your services? I think not. That said, you did a fantastically amazing job with the detail work you did perform. I really didn't like the smell of the soap you used on the upholstery, but since it reminded me of the pristine interior, I didn't mind that it lingered for several days. Now I have to figure out how to keep it clean. Let's get real. That's never gonna happen.
I'm still rolling my eyes at your judgmental comments,
The lady with the van whose tragic condition is apparently legendary
Dear cell phone service provider,
You just sent Garry two letters in the mail: one to inform him that he made changes to our account, and another to remind him that he changed his password. Perhaps you could consider this new-fangled technology known as e-mail and pass on your savings from paper and postage to your valued customers. But thank you for your fast and reliable network. The Other Provider sales guy at Costco couldn't believe Garry's enthusiastic testimonial.
I'm just sayin'...
One of your valued customers.
P.S. Do you know why I'm not using company names in this letter? Last time I wrote to an internet service provider, I got blog comments from a company employee who doesn't really exist.
It's not very often that my childhood BFF comes to town! Thanks for stopping by! It was super fun to see you on Sunday, even though had to vacuum your Spartan Race mud off my couch (haha--your words, not mine) and the pictures of us together are absolutely HORRIBLE of me. I prefer the photo of us in front of my house when we were kids (I'm wearing red, in case you can't tell).
Your childhood BFF
Thank you for the perfectly adorable wreath. What a fun birthday present! It is hanging outside, next to my front door. What a happy welcome for the few visitors we get.
Dear UPS man,
When Zach was little, he and I sat on our front porch every Friday morning to watch the garbage truck roll through our neighborhood. The garbage man knew our names and waved and honked his horn whenever he saw us. You are the 2013 version of that delightful experience. Gavin and Lexi are thrilled to see you when you come to our house (which is at least as often as the garbage man, who holds no allure for my children), especially when you let Gavin carry the packages. When I saw you delivering boxes in another neighborhood, I said hello and you recognized me, at least by my street address and my "blonde little kids." That made us both laugh.
See you next time,
The lady who should by stock in Amazon.com
Dear friends (you know who you are),
Thank you for the beautiful birthday flowers. I thought you would like to see that they are even prettier than they were 10 days ago. They bring a smile to my face every time I look at them. I'm sure there's a blooming metaphor I could use to connect you and the flowers, but it's escaping me right now, so use your imagination.
The birthday girl
Dear Craigslist patrons,
Thank you for buying our bedroom set, piecemeal, over the last month. I am grateful to have it out of my garage, and to have your money in my pocket, even if you paid a lot less than we were asking. Sometimes that's "the way the cookie crumbles," as Zach would say after learning about idioms at school.
Your furniture dealer
Dear tax return,
Although you were significantly smaller than you have been in recent years (thanks a lot, State of Colorado), I am grateful you were able to fund the changes in our tiny bedroom. I adore our smaller, shorter bed with big storage drawers underneath. I'm thrilled with the extra 12 inches we gained in the width of our room, not to mention the ample space vacated by our bulky furniture. I love the new, super-cheap-but-awesome pictures on the walls and fun pillows on the bed. My feelings of claustrophobia have vanished, and I will admit that the new flat-screen TV on the wall is great. The only downside to your contributions is that the comfort of my bedroom has fueled my addiction to reruns of The West Wing.
Love you the mostest,
Your permanent resident
Just for the record, I looked up your name, and it doesn't have an apostrophe. Anyway, thank you for providing our swanky "going out for dinner" experience on Saturday night. The kids were thrilled with Totino's (there is an apostrophe in this one) pizza and Tillamook ice cream from the frozen food section. We certainly didn't win awards for health and wellness that night, but we did earn lots of Cool Parents points, even if our large, loud entourage garnered some stares from some of your other customers.
Bartle, party of seven
I love peanut butter, too, but I've really got to teach you to eat it with a spoon.
Dear Colorado Springs residents,
[Warning: shameless promotion ahead.] My ward's youth are having a huge garage sale for a summer camp fundraiser. They will have tons of amazing stuff for sale, including furniture, electronics, toys, baby stuff, home decor, handmade items, and delicious baked goods. Please come and help some terrific kids pay for their summer camp activities on May 18 from 7-11 a.m at my church. My hand-made signs will be all over town. [End of shameless promotion.]
Yours in service,
Thanks for taking a sick day so I could take a day off from my responsibilities at home. I don't know why I wake up in such a funk on some days, but I appreciate your support. I'm sure the kids loved a fun Daddy Day, too. Thank you also for delivering my lunch of a deli sandwich and Cheetos from the grocery store.