May 22, 2008


So this has been a harder week than most. I'm not really surprised, but I still hate that things are hard. I hate feeling inept and overwhelmed. I prefer being that "totally together" girl -- or at least putting on airs that I'm that girl. Unfortunately my current phase of life is bent on teaching me how to function without controlling my destiny.

In a way, I can relate to little Gavin, who is currently on the floor at my feet. He is on the verge of mobility. He has discovered that he can roll, and also that he can rock back and forth on his hands and knees. He'll push up in that position, give a big grunt, and scoot a foot backwards. Of course, that is the opposite direction he intended to go, so he'll try again. After a few minutes of either spinning in circles or scooting backwards across the room, Gavin will wail in frustration. Instead of being rewarded with a pile of toys, he's further from his goal than when he started. Boy, I can relate to that!

But Gavin has an advantage: he only has two emotions. Gavin is either content or frustrated. There's nothing in between and very few nuances on either end. Two emotions. That's it. I, however, have an expansive spectrum of feelings, any one of which threatens to explode from my body at a given moment. One minute I'm laughing hysterically at Zach's successful efforts to entertain Gavin, and another I'm sobbing uncontrollably because my fatigued body can't take one more night interrupted by a hungry, crying baby. One minute I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy because a dear friend helped me pack or brought me lunch or offered to watch my boys and another I'm feeling desperate that I'm leaving such dear ones behind. Yet another minute finds me in a good rhythm with packing and preparing; the next finds me feeling hopelessly behind and incompetent!

I didn't mean for this to turn into a sob story. I'm just documenting the reality here. Heidi=emotional smorgasbord. That's all.

My coping mechanism (other than cookies) this week has been to think about all the things that are going well. Happily, there are many.
  • We are fully qualified for our new mortgage
  • The "Begonia House," as we call our new place, appraised at value
  • My piano students all did great at their recital Tuesday
  • The person taking over my Primary calling is starting on Sunday
  • I got to hug many of my favorite Oregonians this week
  • A friend gave me a pass to the Nike Employee Store, which means I got awesome new running shoes for cheap
  • Portland Running Company started selling their cushy socks again
  • David Cook won American Idol
  • A few ward members and our Realtor blessed us with many free packing boxes
  • A truck driver has finally been assigned to our moving job
  • I haven't lost the tape gun or red marker yet
  • Some friends are throwing us a party on Saturday
  • The sun has been shining (at least intermittently)
  • Green leaves have returned to Portland
  • Garry's sister is going to paint some rooms at our new house
  • We get a discount on our new homeowner's insurance policy because of a computer system glitch on the day we got our quote (this sounds shady but it's not)
  • I'm about 90% finished with packing our house I feel better.

I just have one request: please, somebody, buy this lovely dining set. I don't know which emotion will burst out of my being if it doesn't find a new home before Thursday....but I know it won't be glee.
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