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Feb 11, 2014

Waaaa....

This is me today.
Oh wait.  It's actually Kate today.
But it could be me.
Waa...


I try really hard not to go to this place.
The one where I feel sorry for myself
and only see negative things
and get hurt by things people say
(or things they don't say).

I see myself going there and yell to myself:
"Don't do it!"
But, much like my defiant children,
sometimes I don't listen.

And so I mope
and cry
and eat too much
and hide under the covers
(I really do that)
and yell at the kids for minor infractions
and then get mad at myself for being ridiculous.
And the cycle repeats.

Today was one of those stupid, dark days.

It didn't help that
I woke up too late to exercise
and
I have this cough/cold/sinus thing that won't go away
and
when I had to do something for my calling at the church
the girls ran like wild animals
and Kate ended up on the podium in the chapel
and
Kate wouldn't nap (third day in a row)
and
Lexi had the mother of all tantrums and fell asleep on the floor at 4:00 p.m.
and
Gavin ruined lots of the Valentines Day cards for Lexi's class
(which she needs for school tomorrow,
and I have to go to the store to replace them
because we had just enough the first time)
and
Zach came home from school extra surly and was very mean to me
and
I inexplicably threw up my lunch (what?!) and it got in my hair
and
it is laundry day, which is strangely very overwhelming
and
dinner was lame.

None of those things would usually bother me much.
(Well, except the mean child.)
But today, they did,
because I let them.
Today I cried at the dumbest things.
Today I had to remind myself about unconditional love
in the church parking lot
so I could go into a Court of Honor,
support my rank-advancing son,
and not embarrass myself with a breakdown.
Today someone else's problems made me really sad.

Do I recognize that my problems are
100% superficial?
Absolutely.
I have friends with major money problems.
I have friends struggling with infertility.
One friend is an alcoholic
and has lost custody of her son.
Another (my age) has cancer.
I have friends with children making bad choices,
and I see their heartache.
Sometimes I even think I feel my friends' heartaches
a little too much
and take them on as my own.
Hopefully even though I am
shallow
and insecure
and wrapped up in my own sad things
that aren't really important,
it's OK to take a day
and be frustrated with my life.

So tonight
I am going to bed early
and hoping that tomorrow is all sunshiny.
A girl can dream, right?
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