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Nov 10, 2013

November Letters

Dear Luvs diapers,

I've been a loyal customer for 12 years.  However, this week you complicated my life.  Recently you changed the pattern on your diapers.  Instead of having a jolly dancing monkey only on the front of the diaper, you now have the same monkey on the front AND the back, and it is more difficult to determine which side is the front.  Yes, I am 34, and yes, I am diapering my fifth child. You probably think I should be more capable, but I'm telling you I have laid a diaper down backwards soooo many times in the last few days that I need to blame someone besides myself.  What few brains cells I still have I need to devote to things besides diapers.  I know this begs the question: Why don't I potty train Kate already?  I don't have a good answer for that.

A disgruntled mother
..
Dear family history missionaries,

The other night at dinner you challenged my family to learn some stories about our ancestors.  Because I am an obedient child, today I sat down to try and find something.  I did find interesting things about Eli Mundell and his posterity, but it's what I can't find that is vexing me.  If someone out there has a marriage record for Emma Mundell and Richard Stewart, I'd sure love to see it.

Family searcher
..
Dear Not Me,

This week you broke the garbage can, lost a shoe, ate the last of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch, left a banana peel on the family room carpet, peed all over the wall, lost my keys, and performed several other nefarious deeds that I can't think of right now.  I really don't need you stirring the pot.  Just cut it out.

Let's get real, though.  I know you didn't lose my keys.  That was me.

Yo mama
...
Dear movie theater,

We forked out the big bucks to see a current movie in your hallowed halls, but when we walked into Theater #4, it was completely full.  It's kinda ridiculous that when we went to exchange our tickets you charged a 3D upgrade fee for the only movie we could get into at that time.  That said, Gravity was pretty cool, despite being more intense than I like.  AND, we didn't pay a babysitter, since Zach and Tyler manned the fort while we were gone.  Woah.

The G is for Gravity daters
...
Dear Sandra Bullock,

I want your legs.  And also your flat stomach.  But I didn't like your hair cut in that movie.

Dreamer
...
Dear Garbage Man,

You didn't take my can of dried out paint last week.  Hopefully you don't see it this week inside the black trash bag.  Ha.

Sneaky McSneakerson
...
Dear Becky,

Thanks for painting my bathroom this week.  I love love love the color, and that you did all the work!  I will design a million party invitations for you if you'll trade me again for your painting services.  Heck, I'll do pretty much whatever you want in exchange for your painting services.  Thanks, friend.

Grateful
...
Dear brain,

You are a whole lot of crazy in the middle of the night.  Good grief.  My friend tells me that my subconscious self is my therapist, since I work out all of my conflicts and angst through symbolic dreams.  I'm glad this friend can make sense of bunnies killing each other over a piece of garlic, a high school principal smoking pot, swimming with foggy goggles, driving through the desert while sobbing, and marrying a woman on the beach. All I know is that I wake up exhausted and confused.  Can I tell my internal therapist to shut up already?

REM-deprived
...
Dear Cookies Kids,

First you lose the suit I ordered for Zach, and then you send a replacement that is totally defective.  Lesson learned: you get what you pay for.  Hmph.

Writer of the 1-star review
...
Dear Tuesday night,

You are already complicated with cub scouts and boy scouts and young women activities all on the same night.  You just got complicated-er because Garry has been called to be a scout leader.  I raised my hand to sustain him in his new calling, so I guess we will make it work.  But today I'm sad that his sudden responsibility means I'm going to miss a cello concert that I wanted to attend.  One day I will become a cultured human being.

Scout shuttler
...
Dear Kate,

You were being so darling last night and I had this blissful oh-my-gosh-I-just-love-you-so-much moment.  I wish that I could have bottled up that heart-bursting joy and given it to myself during the nine months before you were born, so that I could have gotten through your pregnancy with a little more grace.  Since I can't know the end from the beginning of all my hard things, I need to remember that one day, I'll have a happy moment stamped in my heart that erases the hurt.  You erase the hurt, Kate, and I love you for it.

Mama
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