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Mar 5, 2014

March letters

Dear March,

I don't like you very much so far.  Let's get together and sort this out, K? K.

Heidi
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Dear piano,

You are my favorite thing in the whole wide world right now.  You are perfect for pounding out my frustrations and softening my soul.  If I don't spend some time with you every day I feel incomplete. You are probably my favorite purchase ever, perhaps even more than my current house, because the master bathroom is tiny and I might curse the wood floors to my grave.  But I digress.

Your owner
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Dear Sally DeFord,

I can't participate in the Easter Cantata this year but I bought the music before I knew that.  It provides tons of material for my distress as mentioned above.  I hope to one day master it all, although you have made such a goal pretty tricky with all your 16th notes and break-neck metronome speeds. Maybe that's why "The Greatest Among Us" is my favorite. Props to you.

Former choir member
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Dear cell phone,

Thank you for not breaking when I threw you at the wall after someone was really mean to me on the phone last night.  Haha.  I'm so immature.  But I love you.

Embarrassed and grateful
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Dear Bambi,

You have provided lots of entertainment for my smallest one lately...and also for me, because she calls you "Bamba" and refers to your bunny friend as "Humper."  Oh, that makes me smile every time.

TV mama
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Dear Miss Amy,

Lexi's ballet recital is on Friday, and based on today's dress rehearsal I am not at all confident that she'll perform that night.  Stage fright might trump her passionate love and affinity for ballet, but thanks for the leotard and tutu and sparkly toenails anyway.

Lexi's mom
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Dear ham,

I totally know it's my fault, but I'm blaming you for spilling your juices all over my favorite sweats on the day after I did the laundry.  They were supposed to comfort me all week, because we all know (or maybe not everyone does) that I only wear jeans when I leave the house (or when I have to leave the car when I leave the house).  So yeah, you're lame.

The butcher
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Dear Primary children,

I hope you like glitter and don't know what ghetto-fabulous means, because I plan to use sparkles and a Nephite to extract your scriptural knowledge on Sunday. 

Sister Bartle
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Dear Paul,

You are such a great neighbor, especially to my kids.  Gavin just adores you and is so thrilled to see you at church so he can talk to you about your bows and arrows.  He loves it when you help him shoot them in your backyard. He asks every.single.day after school if he can play with you.  The fact that you are in your 40's and have a job and teenage daughters never enters his consciousness. You are just a friend, and he's happy to play.  And also thank you for the Popsicles.

Gavin's mom
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Dear dairy products,

I miss you.  Tacos without cheese are lame.  Watching my family eat chicken pillows without me is rough.  However, I have learned that coconut milk is WAY better than almond milk, and I have found a morning smoothie recipe that I love, and have found other ways to satisfy my need for creamy textures, so your importance in my life is slowly fading, as is my waistline, which provides a lot of motivation, in addition to material for a run-on sentence.  Eleven pounds down, baby.  Not just because of you, but still.  It's happy.

Water drinker
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Dear friend with fertility issues,

I am seriously sad about your struggles (which I know you know), but I love talking to you about them because then I can laugh about my own infertility of long ago.  Garry and I had a great laugh about turkey basters tonight.  Haha.

The lady with five kids she thought she'd never have
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Dear Dr. Y,

Why won't you order the blood tests I want?  If I'm paying, why do you care?  The results matter to me, even if it's just for peace of mind.  When I told your nurse I was going to another doctor to get what I wanted, she said you'd call me and discuss the issue.  That was two days ago.  Sionara.

Patient X
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Dear Kate,

It is not a good idea to paint your eyeballs with fingernail polish.  The uses you find for that stuff are just mind-boggling!  Hopefully you will remember that this particular experiment was not your brightest idea.  I'm glad you aren't blind. {Post here.}

Love,
Mama
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