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Apr 2, 2014

April letters

Dear Vitamix,

You are almost 16 years old (wedding gift, baby!) but still blend like a champ.  I must confess that every time I flip your high speed switch I'm afraid your motor will burn out.  It's not that you are showing signs of impending doom.  I just don't want to fork out the cash to replace you anytime soon. Although the thought of a red Vitamix is a little compelling, please just keep up the good work.

Green smoothie lover
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Dear cell phone,

It was super sad when I dropped you and your screen shattered.  I think I just dropped you one too many times.  The good news is that Zach's phone is currently unused, so I have a back-up for the four days it will take to get a new phone.  I might have had a coronary without a texting app. The bad news is that I didn't think about assuming Zach's phone as my own until we had already purchased a new one.  Oh well.

Butterfingers
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Dear Elder Jeffrey R. Holland,

LDS General Conference is this weekend, and you always give the best talks.  Yes, yes you do. President Uchtdorf is a close second, so toe the line and get 'er done.  Apostles are competitive, right?

A member
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Dear Dollar Tree,

The girls and I perused your wares because Lexi earned a prize for staying in her own bed ten nights in a row (monumental, I tell you!).  She couldn't find the toy she wanted, so I talked her into buying silver flip-flops.  This was a two-birds-one-stone killing, since she's been begging for sandals and I don't want dollar store junk floating around my house.  But maybe they are junk and I'll have to buy flip-flops anyway.  {Editor's note: they broke the first day.  Haha.}

The mom
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Dear bedroom,

I love love love the new gray color on your walls, which complements our gray-and-purple bedding. Ahh....it's nice to have such a soothing bedroom setting, which inspires a calm reaction when I find Kate snacking on cereal, grapes, and milk in my bed.

Resident
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Dear doors,

I've been painting you since our bedroom project ended.  I am growing weary of the effort, but your new bright white sheen makes me oh-so-happy.  I wish I had the money and stamina to paint every room in the house.  Five or six years of the same old walls means it's time for a change, right? #firstworldproblems

Discontent
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Dear Creepy Man,

Remember back in our Beaverton days when you stalked me?  I was taking pictures at all the youth dance festival practices, and you followed me wherever I went, even building to building.  Then, when I practiced the organ after mutual, you came and incessantly asked me questions and positioned your body way too close for my comfort.  You finally left me alone when my bishop talked to your bishop and your wife.  I haven't thought about you for years, but when I dropped off my son at his dance festival practice tonight, the memories came flooding back.  It's funny, though...I don't remember your name.

The stalkee
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Dear children of mine,

Cereal is not to be removed from the kitchen.  Ever.

You may not eat it in a bowl.  You may not eat it in a hole.  You may not eat it in my bed.  You may not pour it on your head. You may not crunch it on the stairs.  You may not spill it everywhere!  I do not like your Trix and Puffs.  To tell the truth, I'm quite fed up!

Dr. Mom
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Dear Cub Scouts,

Thank you for running out of time to bake all of the cookie dough you made.  Mmmm...more for me.

Cheater cheater dairy eater
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Dear visiting teachees,

You should know that nearly every person I have visit taught in the last few years has moved away while in my care.  I'd like to think it's not my fault, but maybe it is, so beware.

Your VT
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Dear April Fools Day,

I only pulled a prank on one person but it was hilarious (at least to me).  While on the way to pick up a friend at the airport, I sent a text to her saying I got a speeding ticket.  She sent a very empathetic response, and then I told her I was just kidding and I'd be at the curb in a minute.  We laughed.  

Prankster, apparently
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Dear leotards,

You are Kate's favorite things in the world.  She hates clothing of all kinds except you.  I guess something snug and soft is all her sensitive little self can handle.  Sometimes she will consent to wearing regular clothing on top of you.  Sometimes.  Her obsession doesn't bother me too much except that we still have some really cold weather around here!  And diapers are sure a pain when she's wearing a leotard.  The question is whether I should buy ten more of you, or make do with the three we have. Thoughts?

Also: who in the world came up with the word "leotard"?

The mom cultivating creative fashion statements in her children
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Dear Walmart,

I love love love that you price match, although I have become that lady in the checkout line.  Oh well.  Getting five gallons of milk for ten bucks and church clothes for Zach the same store is priceless.  Even if Kate screams, "I HATE BUTTER" the whole time I'm in the store.

Shopper
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Dear minivan,

I am sooo sorry I neglected your malfunction side door for so long.  It was one of those "we'll fix it later when we're rich" situations so we have just dealt with the door that only shuts with special care.  Nine months later, when the locking mechanism on MY door malfunctioned, we decided to have both doors inspected.  It turns out mine was an easy (expensive) fix, but yours seems to be unfixable by our regular mechanic, since a pencil and a plastic straw were wedged up in your electronic gears or sensors or whatever.  Every day that we waited to fix it, the problem worsened. Dang it. 

The driver
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Dear windshield, 

We also replaced you this week, and the crack that has been growing for five years is gone! Woohoo!  The girls even behaved themselves where we had to wait, right near the entrance to the shop.  Good thing no one else waited, because we monopolized all seven chairs.

The lady with two kids
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Dear underwears,

Kate loves to wear but does not want to sit on the potty...except for today.  Please keep motivating her to continue this lovely trend.  If you do, I'll buy more for Lexi because both girls have the same size bum.

Much love--The diaper changer
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