Dear new neighbors,
I'm delighted you moved in next door, and not just because you have a four-year-old girl who loves to play with Lexi (that is a huge bonus, though). It's so nice to have a young family in the neighborhood, and it will be fun to see you at church, too. Let's do another babysitting swap. I'm pretty sure that's a gift straight from heaven--hopefully for you, too.
Never, ever take children to the grocery store immediately after school, because they will be positively wild and you will forget what you have gone to the store to buy, and you will have to go again.
Dear parents of Zach's new school friends,
Thanks so much for letting your kids come over last night for our backyard movie party. I know the invitation was last-minute, so I'm glad you trusted us enough to leave them for a couple of hours with people you don't know. The kids all had a blast, and it was good for me to see that your kids are kind and polite and wholesome boys who will be good friends for Zach. Here's to more play time in the future!
Thank you for giving Kate your old tricycle. She absolutely loves it. I'm happy to see her smile, because she was quite forlorn after her trike was stolen from the park while we were playing on Labor Day. The only trouble is that Gavin and Lexi are equally obsessed with the tricycle, and it's hard to share.
Dear Finale Songwriter,
You are neat. I love that the notes and words in my head have become a legit song printed on paper. The score has my name on it and everything. So official! I hope that sometime I'll have the confidence/patience to play with you again, although since Kate HATES it when I play the piano, my future relationship with you is a little iffy.
An amateur composer
Dear anonymous friend,
I have to say, when you commented on my disproportionate figure and the mental implications it must have for me, I was surprised. Hearing you give voice to my biggest insecurity shattered my hope that other people aren't as judgmental about my body as I am. The fact that you also listed all the reasons I might be upset about the change in my calling wasn't super helpful either. Do I need to locate and destroy the bug you placed in my brain? That being said, I know you didn't intend to upset me, and that does count for something.
Dear flat-chested friends:
Cry me a river.
Your disproportionate friend--in the other way
Unbeknownst to us, after you helped Dad install the sink disposal a few weeks ago, you retired to your room and read the owner's manual. Can this be your job from now on? When one of our household appliances malfunctions in the future, I'd like to come to you for technical support.
Dear Physical Therapist,
You literally raised your arms in victory and gave a little cheer when I told you about my new back pain. According to you this is a sign of progress, but for me it's just more pain. This is getting ridiculous.
A regular Friday patient
Dear Ms. Stevens,
I think I love you already. We have been in email contact since Gavin started school, just for little things. I'm so impressed that you asked how you can help Gavin with his Sensory Processing Disorder. You pledged to spend some of your weekend studying the information I sent you, and then we'll get back together to discuss our options. I think Gavin is in good hands.
Dear sippy cups,
You have been hiding in random corners of the house, but I have hunted you down. The gross part is yet to come: I have not yet opened you, and I am sure you are full of rancid and curdled milk.
Gagging in advance
I'm sorry. You must be dying because of my neglect. Oh wait, you are, right before my eyes. I think I'll yank you out of the ground and put us both out of our misery.
Dear Best Buy,
Thank you for taking our old and broken TV and recycling it for free. The garbage men left it on the curb, and the city's recycling service was going to charge a hefty fee to recycle the dang thing. You were close and you were free. Excellent combination.
A satisfied customer
Dear soap and water,
It is truly amazing to see you work on dirt and smudges on my doors and their jams. Clean! Fresh! Less embarrassing! Why did I wait so long?
You are hot, and I want you to go away. Check the calendar.
Thanks for being so darling. Your vocabulary is delightful, as are your personality and sense of humor. It's kind of fun to have a few hours a week that are just for us, isn't it? Your rendition of Brown Bear, Brown Bear is so charming, as are your goofy songs and princess dance. There have been a few times lately when I've had the thought that I want you to stay little forever, and that's a rare thing for this mama. Just stop climbing on the family vehicles, OK? Love you.