My children are driving me bonkers. We need help. I'm going to list some scenarios and you, dear readers, are going to tell me how to handle them. I need strategies and consequences. I need activity ideas for children who won't quietly read or color or play with dolls/trucks/balls/friends. I am seriously at my wit's end. People smile and nod and pat me on the head when I say this, but they truly have no concept of the bedlam that goes on in this house. You probably don't want to know, and I hardly dare admit it, but I am so desperate for help that I'm going to try it.
Tell me what to do about:
A. Kids who hurt each other--pinching, punching, kicking, scratching, shoving, hair-pulling, physically intimidating, etc.
B. Kids who flatly refuse to comply with instructions. "Heck no!" "I don't have to." "No way." "You can't make me." "See if you can stop me." This is particularly difficult with the child who is taller than I am.
C. Kids who run away from home, either around the block or for more than 20 minutes. Kids who hide outdoors when called (and think it's funny).
D. Kids who say bad words and are fully aware of what they are saying. They mean what they say and have no remorse.
E. Kids who do any/all of the above when I don't see it happen.
F. Kids who have over-the-top, clearly dramatized, loud, insane scream-fests over the smallest things.
G. Kids who tattle relentlessly and police each other on their bad behavior.
H. Kids who terrorize each other so much when they have babysitters that sometimes we can't trust them (the kids) enough to leave them.
Just so you know, revoking privileges like watching TV and playing with friends doesn't deter bad behavior at all. I have tried giving chores, charging money, and confining the kids in their bedrooms. Those things work in the moment, but don't prevent the same things from happening over and over and over and over again.
So, in case you were wondering, this is real life at my house. We need help.
8 comments:
We have the same kids. I will be watching this post. For A... We have made them sit and stare at each other for 10 minutes. Then they have to list 5 things that they like about their brother...
When my husband was the age of your older ones he had to write papers when he did bad things. I think they usually had to do with the wrong thing they did and how it could have/did turn out very bad. I think some of them were just about anything his mom wanted to make him sit down and study. He couldn't do anything fun until they were don and the older he got, the longer the papers had to be. I laughed when he told me he had to do that, but it might work.
I wish I could be more helpful. But this sounds oh, so familiar. We've yet to find a single postive/negative reinforcement/consequence that actually causes behavioral change. I sympathize. We keep having FHE, reading scriptures, and prayer & are grateful for their influence...because it could be worse?!
Those challenges sound tough. I wish I had a miracle solution to share with you, but I'm at a loss. Parenting is so much harder than we ever expect.
I like the idea I read on one of the comment strings of a reward system, if the revoking privileges isn't working, maybe giving privileges will. It could be a family jar everyone is working together to fill, or an individual jar for a special one-on-one outing. The trick is remembering to add to the jar for rewards...and not want to dump the whole dang thing out when someone is particularly acting awfully! When one of my kids is acting out, sometimes it helps for me to try and figure out what the root of their behavior is. Do my best to determine what they are looking for by acting up and try to address that. Often it is just more attention from me and Adam, using their love language to give them something that makes them feel special. It's been a rougher summer than usual around here too, hang in there! School is just around the corner!
i wish i could read the others' comments, cuz i need help w/A.
Well, that sounds like my house too, so when you get some good suggestions that work, LET ME KNOW! I completely understand what you're going through and most times, I don't know what to do either. It really wears on my self-esteem as well since I tend to blame myself for their misbehavior, seeing all my faults coming through in them.
Thanks for being honest, Heidi. Especially since you don't have to be. You are awesome and could just mention all the great mom-feats(fantastic birthday parties, yw activities, etc.etc.)you accomplish all the time and I would never guess that you also have moments of struggle. I don't think I have anything great to offer as far as advice goes, although in my own limited parenting experience, I find that my kids behave better when I stop what I'm doing when they misbehave and focus on them (redirecting, or just teaching why that wasn't okay) and then doing an activity with them. It's surprisingly hard to do this sometimes, because it usually happens when I'm really busy trying to accomplish my own goals and feel like I have no time to be patient.
For some reason, I can't see the other comments, which makes me sad because I would be interested in what advice people would use!
Good luck! You are
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