May 8, 2014

May Letters

Dear family (in my home and otherwise),

Sometimes happiness comes in a box...

...or a basket.

Thanks for the birthday gifts.


Dear weather gods,

Snow boots and swimming suits in the same week is bizarre.

Yours Truly--Confused mama who is bidding winter farewell, no matter what

Dear National Do Not Call Registry,

Despite having filed my home number with you three(-ish...seems like 20) times , I still receive telephone solicitations on a regular basis. I am tempted to block all solicitors' calls and blast back that message I've seen on some front doors. It goes something like, "We've found Jesus, we like our vacuum, and our roof is fine, thankyouverymuch." Do you know it?  I think it ends with "...unless you're selling girl scout cookies..."

I'd ditch our home phone except that my children would have no way to call me when I'm gone. Hmm....there's an idea.

Impatiently--Current Resident

Dear Wells Fargo,

Thanks for being good to us. Garry sure has been good to you for ten years! Thanks for the extra five days of paid time off, for the steak lunch Garry's boss paid for, and for his early release last Friday.

With appreciation--The employee's wife

Dear Colorado Springs Utilities,

Our electricity usage has inexplicably decreased by half over the last year. I have no idea what's happening, but thank you for the credit on our bill.

Thankfully--Equal-pay customer

Dear daughters,

The fact that both of you soiled your underwear in a 20-minute period while we were away from home reinforces my belief that storing multiple pairs of back-up clothing in the van is a must. Kate would probably agree, as she's the one who ended up in a diaper. I am glad that one of you refused to eat breakfast before school, and so had a zip baggie of cereal that we could use Ew. That was gross.

Resignedly--Still a diaper-changing mama

Dear Subway,

I am sorry that one of the afore-mentioned incidents happened on your premises.

Sincerely--Your customer

Dear Coats & Clark,

You make transparent thread. I sew scout patches to olive drab shirts. It seems that we would be a match made in heaven (or Troop 512). However, my sewing machine hates you. Patient as I was about starting over and over and over, I simply couldn't tolerate the mess you made in my bobbin compartment, not to mention the fact that you wouldn't complete an actual seam. And so I return to matching threads to patches. *sigh*

Yours (or maybe not) in sewing--A wannabe seamstress

Dear Hobby Lobby,

Why don't you carry Guterman thread? Let's hope Lexi doesn't noticed the slight shade differential in the seams of her bed curtains, since I RAN OUT OF THREAD during the final phase of the eternal sewing project I am attempting for her birthday, and I didn't want to drive to another store when I had already driven to you. Bah.

Secretly--President, Overly-Ambitious Anonymous

Dear May,

You are just as harrowing as December, minus the snow and ice. Wait...

Yours in scheduling--Mother of four school children and a toddler who naps

Dear friend with a husband and father in the hospital,

Your stress is palpable. Man, I wish I could help. I sure love your family.

Love to you--Your mom's former-but-always visiting teacher

Dear Landsharks,

I am sad that you changed your policy and no longer allow kindergartners to run in the one-mile race. Gavin was totally planning on it, telling everyone about his "big race." He was so disappointed. However, after processing the disappointment for a while, he said, "Mom, can I do Landsharks next year so I can run the mile?" I guess he's resilient.

Speedily (or not)--A mom raising a runner

Dear LG,

Our dishwasher--or rather, your dishwasher in my kitchen--is broken. Do know how lame this is for a family that generates so many dirty dishes? Garry has ordered one of your fancy heating elements and will attempt to make the repair himself. We'll see. Until then I am remembering the days of washing dishes by hand when I was a kid, and feeling guilty for the lack of character-building parenting in my current home every time I pass out paper bowls and plates at meal time. I am trying to believe that, as a friend pointed out, we might be conserving water while killing trees.

Sadly--A lazy mom

Dear Not Me,

Thank you (but not) for sitting in the stroller and breaking the seat, and for taking off the front wheel simply because it is removable. Seriously, I don't know how the idea of LEAVE IT ALONE never enters your head!

Crying with frustration--Fed up

Dear Kate,

Stop being so ridiculously cute. It's really hard to discipline a cherub, except when said cherub is acting decidedly un-heavenly. Then it's easy.

Lovingly--Yo mama

Dear AEES teachers,

We love you, which hopefully is obvious by the tedious process required I created for myself to make these posters. I don't know when I'll learn to pass on projects like this. Maybe you can teach me.

With gratitude--The Bartle boys' mom

Dear Anthony E. Wolf,

Your book is especially resonant in my life right now, but I think you could have emphasized your points about ornery teenagers without all the swearing. Doesn't that mean you're as immature and un-creative as they are? 

Harshly--A desperate but picky reader

Dear self,

It has taken a year, but I am glad you f.i.n.a.l.l.y figured out that relocating Kate's clothes to the lower drawers would nearly eliminate her incessant need to invert the laundry baskets and use them as ladders.

With relief and gratitude--A slow learner

Dear Saturday evening,

You were just perfect for a walk. Ahhhh....

Appreciatively--A fresh air lover

Dear child with a pink obsession,

Your outfits are always creative, but the nightgown-boots-jacket-helmet combo especially amused me.


Dear Not Me,

Whatever possessed you to put a marker inside of a jar of burning wax is beyond me, but I am sure you enjoyed seeing the results of the experiment. Bursting glass and dripping wax are always funny, right?!

With suspicion and annoyance--Your exhausted mother

Dear Lynn the attendance lady,

You always laugh at my children when we stop by the middle school to drop off a child or an item. It is true: they are crazy. That day I brought in four children between the ages of two and four (one is hiding behind the bench) was especially chaotic, but only because we had to wait 20 minutes for you to locate my son.

With a smirk--Zach's mom

Dear band director,

We've got another percussionist in the family. He will probably practice.

Excitedly--Tyler's mom

Dear Pinterest,

I found this wreath and LOVE it, but I think I am not up to such a project. Maybe next summer? (Because surely I'll have more free time then...hahahahahaha...)

Yours in pinning--A recovering ambitious crafter

Dear friends and family,

Thank you for supporting Tyler in his required-for-school business. He is too young to appreciate that soliciting money from loved ones is uncomfortable for his parents. Nevertheless, he loves to cook and is excited to sell his made-from-scratch crescent rolls, which, I promise you, will be delicious. A dozen rolls are $4.50 and will be available on Saturday, just in time for Mother's Day. It's not too late to order!

Thankfully--A Tyler's Tongue-Tingling Tasties marketing strategist
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