Letters to Santa

The following are what I imagine might be the letters my family members are subconsciously composing to jolly old St. Nicholas.

...

Dear Santa,

Just so we're clear, I know you don't exist, but I still expect you to bring me cool stuff on Christmas morning. I have been a good kid this year, despite what some evidence might suggest.  I wash my laundry at least once a month and keep it well organized in lumps on my floor.  I have learned to walk to and from school without complaining and to respect the privilege of riding in the family van.  I can clean toilets and scrub floors and babysit my siblings.  I even want to get my hair cut again because I don't like it when it hangs in my eyes!  I am an excellent percussionist in the middle school band and spend more time in the band room than in my bedroom.

So, please bring me an iPod Touch and as much Nike apparel and gear as you can possibly manage.  

Sincerely,

Zach

...

Dear Santa,

You are a wonderful, jolly soul.  I think you are so kind and generous for providing happiness for children around the world.  How do you do it all?  You must be magic.  I want to believe that you are real (but sadly, I do not).

For Christmas, nothing would make me happier than a tablet. I am seething with jealousy over Zach's new phone, which he primarily uses for playing games.  I NEEEEEED a gaming device, if only to restore balance to the family universe. Aside from that, I would like a remote control car, lots of books to read, and maybe some of those brain-teaser puzzle thingies. They look neat.

Love,

Tyler

...

Dear Santa,

Did you SEE all that nice stuff I did today?  I told Mom that my favorite thing in the world is doing jobs.  I like to help her fold laundry and make dinner.  I try so hard to be a nice boy, except in the car, when I just can't help myself.  Sometimes Mom says I have to play outside after school, even when I don't want to.  She thinks it makes me happier to run around and ride my bike.  For Christmas I would like some dollars and some new shoes and an mp3 player.  Make sure you have that on your list.  I'll write it down for you.

From Gavin B.

...

Dear Santa,

I am the nicest girl ever.  When I don't get what I want I always sometimes say, "OK, Mama," and I'm always usually nice to Kate and I always love to am occasionally willing to share and it's easy terribly difficult for me to keep my room clean.  I pick the cutest outfits every day and fix my hair all by myself!  And most of the time I'm happy about going to preschool and ballet without Mommy.

Please bring me anything that is pretty and pink and twirly, or a pony or a Barbie or a princess.

Sind (signed)--Alexis Paige Bartle

...

Dear Santa,

Mom isn't really sure if I'm naughty or nice.  In the "naughty column" this week: 7 poopy diaper incidents; breaking the brand new lotion cap; climbing the dresser drawers; wearing/ruining six outfits in one day; smearing a mushy banana all over Lexi's coat; nearly breaking Mom's nose; finding all of the candy you were going to put in my stocking (why did you drop it off early?), eating a fair portion of it, and sharing it with Lexi and Tyler.  Hm.

But also I'm super cute and funny and give great hugs and can sing Primary songs and really I'm just two so can I really be that bad?  The answer is no, and you know it.  So I would like duplicates of everything that Lexi has so that neither of us has to share, and we can both walk around like ballerina princesses with ponies and purses at the same time.

Tate

...

Dear Santa,

I have also been a good boy this year, although this is probably not up for debate.  I am part Superhero, after all, for I can fix/create/build/clean/manage anything in my path or in my head.  I cook, I clean, I shop, not to mention all the bacon-making at work, too.  Today at work I watched videos to brush up on standard deviations and statistical analysis, and then I came home and made dinner and helped my lovely wife with yet another Primary project.

If your resources were unlimited, I would love a laptop of my own, various other electronics for the house, woodworking tools, outdoor lighting, a truck, and a vacation in Hawaii. Feel free to surprise me.

LittleG

...

Dear Santa,

My naughty or nice status is debatable this year.  I'm definitely not Mother of the Year material, unless we are speaking facetiously, and then I'm a top candidate.  I'm just hoping that my good deeds balance out my bad deeds overall, and that I have behaved well enough to receive some cozy slippers, Candy Cane Oreos, and a very long nap on Christmas Day.  The pots and pans Garry and I recently bought on sale at Costco are proof that #reality and #practical should be attached to any grown-up wish list. 

Most sincerely,

Your sleepy little elf