January Letters

Dear Pinterest,

Santa brought the kids a big box of crayons for Christmas.  I threw out the dull, broken, wrapper-less ones, just like that, right in the trash.  I'm sure that the Queens of Pinterest uttered a collective gasp at all of the melted-crayon art that I didn't make with my children.  But since I don't have beachy-waved hair, a fourth fingernail painted in a contrasting color, or a children's playroom that looks like a page from a fairy tale story, I guess I'm a disappointment to the Queens anyway, so what the heck.

A pinner (although I'm not sure why)

...

Dear Tyler,

Telling your Primary teacher about the board on our wall that reads "Good moms have sticky floors, laundry piles, messy kitchens, dirty ovens, and happy kids" kind of let out the secret that our house is a disaster all the time.  What you failed to mention is that we are still working on the happy kids part.

Yo mama

...

Dear January First,

Last year I didn't set a single resolution, perhaps because I knew that I shouldn't if I wanted 100% on my annual report card.  However, a few days ago, we sat down with the kids and set goals as a family.  Some of my favorites: "Be less crazy" (Gavin), "Stay in my own bed" (Lexi); "Use the potty" (Kate, of course); Run a 10k" (Zach); and "Stop screaming" (Tyler).  As for me, I think my goal should be the "happy kids" previously mentioned, which might require being a different person.  I'll see what I can do.

This year's begrudging resolution maker

...

Dear Honda,

I have some innovation suggestions, which I would like retrofitted to my current vehicle.  Please equip the rear seats in my van with sensors that monitor seat belt usage and stay-in-your-seat-ness (I am sure you can come up with better terminology).  In other words, I need to know when my children's seat belts are not plugged in, and when their rear ends are not firmly planted in their seats.  Just like a warning beep sounds when the front passenger is clearly in the seat but not wearing a belt, I would like an audible alert when my children are not complying with safety regulations.  Muzzles that drop from the ceiling like air masks in airplanes would also be awesome.

An Odyssey owner
...

Dear Christmas tree,

I'm always glad to see you go, but when I remove the ornaments from your stiff and brittle branches, I always sing (in my head, because to do so out loud would be embarrassing) "I Cry the Day I Take the Tree Down," a silly Michael McLean ballad that I really don't like.  I also imagine my sister dramatically singing it with me, and laughing because the song is ridiculous.  Sorry, Mike.

A sometimes sentimentalist

P.S. I think I'm ready for a fake tree.

...

Dear To-Do list,

You are keeping me focused and helping me get things done.  However, this year I plan to read a book called "Hands-free Mama," which I think will tell me I need to throw you away.  I guess I'd better check things off at a faster pace before I read the book.  Haha.  Except not.

Hurrying

...

Dear boys,

Remember the other week when I decided to clean all the bathrooms and you complained that you had other Saturday chores instead?  Every time I scrub pee off the walls I remember that day and wonder why in the world you'd rather clean a bathroom than vacuum.

The maid

...

Dear side chairs,

I don't know what I was thinking when I bought you two for five bucks a couple of months ago.  Why on earth did I think I was capable of a re-upholstery project?  Good grief.  I'm up to my neck now, so I just need to keep swimming until you're all purple and pretty.  I'm glad you'll sit in my living room as a testament of my insanity so I will never, ever do such a thing again.

The dreamer-turned-realist

...

Dear Kate,

The nail polish and my medicine now live on the top shelf of my closet.  I am not willing to relocate my makeup to such a place, and the pantry and the faucets just aren't move-able.  There's no such thing as "high enough" in this house, so I'd thank you kindly to just leave stuff alone and stop making the walls and the floor and your body your canvas.  And seriously, if you strip the sheets off my bed one more time, you'll never come out of your room again.

Mama

...

Dear children,

FOR THE ONE THOUSAND MILLIONTH TIME, YOU MAY NOT TAKE FOOD TO THE BASEMENT. EVER.

The Management

...

Dear Holly,

You are in England and your birthday is in 7 days.  I have a cute/awesome birthday package for you on my counter, where it has been for a week, because I hate the post office with a burning passion in my heart, and I have to go there and stand in a really long line to mail an international package.  I actually attempted once and then realized I left my wallet at home, and another time and I didn't have the right customs form. I might just save your gift until you return from your mission in August. Sorry.

Your lame sister

...

Dear Garry,

The house is freezing during the day so I wear a sweatshirt and sometimes wrap up in a blanket.  But then at night I'm hot, and that is why I turn on the ceiling fan.  I'm sorry you have to turn it off every night when you come to bed, and then still shiver all night because you are cold.  We could be poster children for Opposites Attract (cue Paula Abdul).

Your opposite in every possible way

...

Dear house,

Every year after Christmas I get an itch to change things around.  You might get a little dizzy with the rearranging of picture frames and knick knacks, and you might miss the things I inevitably purge in the process.  I think the newly decorated living room wall (courtesy of the master bedroom) looks spectacular.  I love color.  The end.

Wanna-be decorator

...

Dear face/body,

I am 34 years old, which is approximately 20 years too old to have acne.  Seriously, get with the program. Wrinkles and zits are not a winning combination.  Thankfully I paid someone this week to hide the gray in my hair.

Annoyed

...

Dear Memorial Health System,

A couple of weeks ago you called to inform me that I was late on a medical payment, which I was not. Even though I knew I was right, I made a payment over the phone so you wouldn't send my account to collections.  A few days ago a statement arrived in the mail, and it said I owe you
-$44.72.  So really, YOU owe ME, and I WAS right.  What I find most amusing is that it will take 8-10 weeks to process the refund, but if I'm one day late with a payment, you sick the vultures on me.  Nice work.

Not deliquent

...

Dear Garden of the Gods,

I'm sorry that my motley crew was such a spectacle when we visited your majestic wonder today.  I thought the wide open spaces would absorb some of their noise and misbehavior, but instead we earned gawking stares and a comment or two about their dangerous leaping from rocks.  At least Tyler didn't really lose my keys, as we initially thought, and we weren't locked out of the car when we wanted to leave.  I'm pretty sure that after another five minutes the nearest rock formation would have crumbled around us just to stop the crying.

THAT mom

...

Dear Happier at Home book on my nightstand,

When I sent myself to time-out today, I intended to read quietly until I had to return to real life.  However, you were the only book to be found in my room, and since I was locked in because of dramatically tempestuous offspring, I really didn't need a lecture from you.

Rebellious anti-reader

...

Dear Krista,

Thank you for turning a year older today, which warranted my annual phone call, and thank you for being home when I dialed (from time-out).  Talking to you was a high point during a hard day, and I love you for it. And also for being you.  I wish Boise was a suburb of Colorado Springs.

Your long-lost soul sister

...

Dear 2014,

I want you to be fabulous.  I know that a lot of that depends on my attitude and world view or whatever, but you've gotta give me something to work with.  I'm not creative, and I'm not a good actor, and my track record the last few years isn't so hot.  Can you help a girl out?

Hopeful

Traditions new and old

We had the happiest of Christmases, which makes my heart all warm and gooey.  I admit that Mrs. Claus panicked a little around 10:30 p.m. on Christmas Eve.  Were the gifts right? Fair? Too much or too little?  This time it all rolled out {almost} perfectly.

Our tradition on Christmas Eve is to eat lasagna for dinner and give the kids one special gift.  We have experimented with ornaments, pajamas, and books.  This year I made "magical pillowcases" for each of the kids, presented on a brand new pillow.  The kids were way more excited about this than I expected. Apparently a new pillow is a great gift, especially if it is cute.

We watched a really stupid movie that I regret showing, but we ended on a high note: Candy Cane Oreos (thanks, Melissa!) (I have great friends.) and milk.  YUM.  The kids were really surprised that I shared.

We tried some new things on Christmas Day.  Last year was fun (despite our series of unfortunate events) but we discovered that less=more in the gift department.  So this year we gave less and played more, and we had a great time. This will definitely become a tradition.

In previous years, gift opening began before 6:00 a.m.  Kids set alarms and shook us out of bed and we were all cranky and exhausted by 8:00.  I'm sure the kids were still up before dawn this time, but we didn't let them come upstairs until 7:30.  We all got dressed first (I showered! so lovely!), then turned the kids loose to discover the joys of their stockings and the one present Santa left for each of them.  The kids opened and enjoyed what Santa brought, which never happened in the past.  Gavin tipped and tottered on his Wobble Board.  Lexi zipped around on her scooter.  Kate danced around in her dress-ups.  Tyler set up his r/c car and drove it around the entire main level of the house.  Zach exercised his muscles.  Garry and I savored our candy before breakfast.

Then we moved to the kitchen, where the table was set for a feast.  We enjoyed breakfast casseroles that Garry made--pumpkin French toast and cheesy potatoes--and orange juice.  We discovered that the tablecloth is liquid resistant when a cup of juice spilled.  We all opened Great-Grandma Dent's envelopes with cash inside.  After breakfast Garry and I cleaned up while the kids ran back to their toys.

Next we moved downstairs, where presents from the grandparents and cousins were laid out (which I had done just before going down).  The kids took turns opening and enjoying those gifts as well.  Kate's reaction to a box of princess dress-up shoes was priceless!  She was beyond thrilled.  Two-year-olds are fun on Christmas Day!  After enjoying that segment of gifts, we goofed around with a "photo booth" and silly props that I found online.  The kids didn't really get it.  Maybe next year?  I thought it was a fun idea...

After that we went back up to the living room, where presents from Mom and Dad were under the tree.  The kids each had three--something to wear, something fun, and a movie (which I had purchased for a few bucks each).  We gave Kate a scooter, Gavin a back pack, Tyler a sandwich maker, Zach a how-to-draw-cars book, and Lexi a Rapunzel costume.  Woohoo!  The kids loved their gifts.  We have some priceless pictures locked away on our nice camera because we don't have a card reader for that one anymore (oops).

Our last destination was Mom and Dad's bed.  We sat in a circle with the gifts the kids gave each other in the middle. Garry's and my gifts to each other were in the pile, too.  We each took turns drawing from the pile.  The sibling gifts were small and cheap but the kids were all happy with socks and markers and costume jewelry.  Garry surprised me with the promise of new bedding in our room, and I got him some electronics, which are generally a hit.  So we were all spoiled.

In the afternoon we played Christmas Bingo and watched movies.  I read a book (an amazingly rare luxury) and napped a little. Garry fixed a dinner feast that we all enjoyed.  I have a pile of Christmas themed games and activities that I had planned to use today, but will instead spread holiday cheer for days to come.

All in all, I was very pleased with our day.  Extending gift giving for a few hours was so much better than the usual blitz attack.  I loved how much family time we enjoyed.  I guess I like structure better than chaos, even when it comes to Christmas, but when Mrs. Claus is happy, everyone else can be, too.

Pictured...and Not.

This post could also be called "Why I am Exhausted."  Haha.

These pictures just show our family living our regular life and in no way represent the frenetic pace that has dictated our my existence this month.  It's probably good that I don't have too many of that kind of photo, actually.  They certainly wouldn't be flattering of me.

Pictured below: A carefree little girl on the kindergarten playground. Not pictured: The chill in the air, and also a very frazzled mommy who spent her "day off" in sweats, thinking about all the things that needed doing, but not having the capacity to do them.

Pictured: A silly boy who made a marshmallow snowman with elephantitis.

Pictured: The remnants of a candy raid, the contents of which were intended for Christmas stockings.  Not pictured: The naughty children who performed it, and the rest of the bed belonging to ME.  Did they think I wouldn't find the wrappers under MY pillow? 

Pictured: Christmas gifts for elementary school teachers.  Not pictured: The Starbucks gift cards we bought for the middle school teachers, and the smile on my face when this project was done.

Pictured: Garry hanging new Christmas lights on the house. Not pictured: The 19-degree mark on the thermometer.

Pictured: A sample of spectacular light displays in Colorado Springs.  Not pictured: The screaming, fighting children who clearly did not appreciate their parents' attempt at holiday cheer.

Pictured: Cute stuff I found online for Primary binders and the bulletin board.  Not pictured: Hours and hours and hours and hours of making all kinds of rosters and tables and documents for Primary teachers and leaders next year. Hours and hours, I tell you.  Next year will be so much easier.

Pictured: Frozen fog.  Not pictured: The sixth-grader who asked me to venture out in such weather to bring him another container of frosting for his gingerbread house extravaganza at school.

Pictured: The yummiest Oreos EVER.  Not pictured: The 14(ish) stores Garry haunted trying to find them for me, and my darling friend April, who found them for me first. (They're a Target exclusive, in case you were wondering.  Go. Now.)

Pictured: A door full of happy Christmas greetings from around the country (and a couple international ones, too!). Not pictured: Excellent memories with each person on the door.

Pictured: A near-empty spool of thread.  Not pictured: The pillowcases I finished making with just a few feet of thread left.

Pictured: A gallon of milk with a Christmas Day expiration date.  Not pictured: Its three companions, which were all consumed within the week.

Pictured: Some dishes I'd love to have.  Not pictured: The perfectly good set in my kitchen cupboards.

Pictured: One laughing husband covered in powdered gym sock (aka parmesan cheese).  Not pictured: The table, floor, and other children he covered with said powder when the lid spontaneously popped off while he was shaking it.

Pictured: A small someone refusing to be an angel (hahaha!) in the ward's nativity reenactment. Not pictured: Tyler pulling the tablecloth at breakfast and simultaneously overturning four cups of hot chocolate.  Also not pictured: The slideshow Garry and I created for said party. If you so desire, you can download the file here.  It's fun, although most of you won't recognize anyone but us.

Pictured: The remnants of a gift wrapping session on my bedroom floor.  Not pictured: My Excel spreadsheet that keeps track of gifts.

Pictured: The stash of wrapped gifts in the attic.  Not pictured: Me, gingerly walking along the rafters, making sure all gifts are present and accounted for (they are).

Pictured: One and a half measures of "O Holy Night," upon which I was penciling in a tenor part.  Not pictured: The cute couple I want to sing it.

Pictured: A beautiful sunrise, as seen from the park across the street.  Not pictured: The two little girls asleep in my bed, whose thrashing feet kicked me out.

Merry Christmas to us!  And if you made to the end of this very long post, Merry Christmas to you, too.

Da Bears

Garry has been Tyler's Bear Den leader for about a month, and they are having a lot of fun together.  Last week we hosted a Christmas party for the boys (there are only three Bears right now).  They built marshmallow snowmen, drew pictures with their heads, and had a snowball fight with crunched-up paper.  Garry made a little video from the pictures he took.  It really captures the fun they had that night.

Tyler is excited that Garry will be his Primary teacher next year, as well as his Den leader until February (when Tyler advances to Webelos).  The father/son bonding will be great for both of them!

Letters to Santa

The following are what I imagine might be the letters my family members are subconsciously composing to jolly old St. Nicholas.

...

Dear Santa,

Just so we're clear, I know you don't exist, but I still expect you to bring me cool stuff on Christmas morning. I have been a good kid this year, despite what some evidence might suggest.  I wash my laundry at least once a month and keep it well organized in lumps on my floor.  I have learned to walk to and from school without complaining and to respect the privilege of riding in the family van.  I can clean toilets and scrub floors and babysit my siblings.  I even want to get my hair cut again because I don't like it when it hangs in my eyes!  I am an excellent percussionist in the middle school band and spend more time in the band room than in my bedroom.

So, please bring me an iPod Touch and as much Nike apparel and gear as you can possibly manage.  

Sincerely,

Zach

...

Dear Santa,

You are a wonderful, jolly soul.  I think you are so kind and generous for providing happiness for children around the world.  How do you do it all?  You must be magic.  I want to believe that you are real (but sadly, I do not).

For Christmas, nothing would make me happier than a tablet. I am seething with jealousy over Zach's new phone, which he primarily uses for playing games.  I NEEEEEED a gaming device, if only to restore balance to the family universe. Aside from that, I would like a remote control car, lots of books to read, and maybe some of those brain-teaser puzzle thingies. They look neat.

Love,

Tyler

...

Dear Santa,

Did you SEE all that nice stuff I did today?  I told Mom that my favorite thing in the world is doing jobs.  I like to help her fold laundry and make dinner.  I try so hard to be a nice boy, except in the car, when I just can't help myself.  Sometimes Mom says I have to play outside after school, even when I don't want to.  She thinks it makes me happier to run around and ride my bike.  For Christmas I would like some dollars and some new shoes and an mp3 player.  Make sure you have that on your list.  I'll write it down for you.

From Gavin B.

...

Dear Santa,

I am the nicest girl ever.  When I don't get what I want I always sometimes say, "OK, Mama," and I'm always usually nice to Kate and I always love to am occasionally willing to share and it's easy terribly difficult for me to keep my room clean.  I pick the cutest outfits every day and fix my hair all by myself!  And most of the time I'm happy about going to preschool and ballet without Mommy.

Please bring me anything that is pretty and pink and twirly, or a pony or a Barbie or a princess.

Sind (signed)--Alexis Paige Bartle

...

Dear Santa,

Mom isn't really sure if I'm naughty or nice.  In the "naughty column" this week: 7 poopy diaper incidents; breaking the brand new lotion cap; climbing the dresser drawers; wearing/ruining six outfits in one day; smearing a mushy banana all over Lexi's coat; nearly breaking Mom's nose; finding all of the candy you were going to put in my stocking (why did you drop it off early?), eating a fair portion of it, and sharing it with Lexi and Tyler.  Hm.

But also I'm super cute and funny and give great hugs and can sing Primary songs and really I'm just two so can I really be that bad?  The answer is no, and you know it.  So I would like duplicates of everything that Lexi has so that neither of us has to share, and we can both walk around like ballerina princesses with ponies and purses at the same time.

Tate

...

Dear Santa,

I have also been a good boy this year, although this is probably not up for debate.  I am part Superhero, after all, for I can fix/create/build/clean/manage anything in my path or in my head.  I cook, I clean, I shop, not to mention all the bacon-making at work, too.  Today at work I watched videos to brush up on standard deviations and statistical analysis, and then I came home and made dinner and helped my lovely wife with yet another Primary project.

If your resources were unlimited, I would love a laptop of my own, various other electronics for the house, woodworking tools, outdoor lighting, a truck, and a vacation in Hawaii. Feel free to surprise me.

LittleG

...

Dear Santa,

My naughty or nice status is debatable this year.  I'm definitely not Mother of the Year material, unless we are speaking facetiously, and then I'm a top candidate.  I'm just hoping that my good deeds balance out my bad deeds overall, and that I have behaved well enough to receive some cozy slippers, Candy Cane Oreos, and a very long nap on Christmas Day.  The pots and pans Garry and I recently bought on sale at Costco are proof that #reality and #practical should be attached to any grown-up wish list. 

Most sincerely,

Your sleepy little elf

Christmas Greetings

I managed to mail our Christmas cards last week,

 but if one didn't find its way to your mailbox,

 consider yourself loved anyway and enjoy

 our {very} simple card and silly family update here.

{Click to enlarge}

December Letters + Pictures

Dear Santa Claus,

The little kids wrote you some cute letters the other day.  I had planned to take them to Macy's to mail the letters and see you at the mall, then go Christmas shopping for the cousins, and then get hot chocolate at Starbucks. Pretty fun snow day, right?  Too bad the kids threatened mutiny and nearly killed each other. Instead of going on a fun outing I sent them all to their bedrooms and took Kate on a bunch of errands.  She was super well-behaved, even in sub-zero weather, and we got a lot done.  Merry Christmas to me!  But the other four should be on your naughty list.  For real.

Grumpy Mommy

...

Dear Self of 2005,

I'd like to tell you that my wise old self of 2013 has given up on quality and mess control, at least during the making and decorating of sugar cookies.  It's so much more fun when the kids do what they want.  The results are not pretty, but happy children are lots better than darling snowmen and Christmas trees.  So just get over yourself and let the kids enjoy the tradition.

Your more seasoned self

...

Dear Lexi,

Thank you for spilling a full bowl of Apple Jacks and milk on the kitchen floor today.  After wiping it up, I was glad to see one little section of clean floor.  I'm out of mopping solution and keep forgetting to buy it, so the rest of the floor looks pretty gross.

Pathetic housekeeper

...

Dear Mindy,

Remember that time we tied a Christmas tree on top of my van?  I'm still laughing.

Costco shopper

...

Dear Costco,

Thank you for having darling Christmas dresses for my girls for $18 a piece.  Now I'd really like something new for myself to wear to church.  Do you think I can accomplish this without actually trying on clothes in a store? No?  Well, I guess it's just me and my black skirt, then.  You don't carry my size anyway.

Costco shopper

...

Dear pots and pans we got for our wedding,

After 15.5 years, we bid thee farewell.  Bring on the non-stick coating and silicone handles.  I do wish the new set was red or orange but a girl can't have everything.

Practical

...

Dear House of Fabric,

I have selected Velvet Plum as the covering for my arm chairs.  I actually did that about two weeks ago. Perhaps one of these days I will calculate how much fabric I need, and then I will order some, and then I will have fewer excuses for my unfinished/barely started project.

Novice re-upholsterererer

...

Dear Gavin,

When vandalizing household property, you probably shouldn't sign your name.

Management

...

Dear Zach,

You did a great job giving your first talk in Sacrament meeting.  I am so proud of you for overcoming your fear of public speaking.  I shed a happy tear or two in the back of the chapel. I also thought it was pretty hilarious when Brother Woodruff, the closing speaker, asked you to come to the pulpit so he could tell you the only person in the congregation you should be afraid of is Sister Skousen, the Primary President, because she was a fierce football player at the ward's Turkey Bowl on Thanksgiving.  

Yo mama

...

Dear Creche Committee,

It was real, it was fun, but it wasn't real fun.  Haha....but totally true.  Despite all the bumps and bruises and disappointments and setbacks, I am so glad that the Creche event we planned was so lovely.  (Although it was super sad that the sub-zero temperatures canceled the Live Nativity! Truly tragic.)  On Friday night I just sat in the chapel, felt the amazing spirit in the building, listened to the beautiful live music, and cried.  (I was stressed to the max and the room was just so peaceful....)  My two evenings in a row were well-spent within those walls. And now, it's d-o-n-e. Done!  Over! Gone!  See ya!!!  I'm doing the happy dance.

The sign lady

...

Dear Gavin,

I'm glad you love your gymnastics class.  You are so proud of yourself for doing the splits.  I'm glad for a cheap way to channel your energy on Monday afternoons. You would probably love real gymnastics lessons, but right now the Y is perfect.

Fellow gym member

...

Dear Colorado,

I heard that after our crazy-dry-and-warm summer, we'd have a bitter cold winter.  Well, the public commentary was correct, at least so far.  To say that it has been freezing would be about 40 degrees above reality.  Super coldness isn't a giant nuisance to myself, but I am getting pretty irritated with the winter gear and car seat combo.  Fries and a drink would be so much better.

Mrs. Popsicle and her five little icicles

P.S.  Can you help me find my sunglasses?  The sun still bugs my eyes in the bitter cold.

...

Dear kindergarten teacher,

Thanks for hosting "pizza and pops," which proved to be an entertaining and endearing event for father and son.  Gavin and his daddy loved the bonding time.

The other parent

...

Dear stack of binders and boxes on my kitchen counter,

You are destined to become resources for Primary teachers in 2014.  I have many, but not all, of the supplies necessary to put you together.  For this reason you are stacked in my kitchen and may well remain there until January 4, which is the day before the first Sunday of the year.  Although maybe the teachers need their books before that.  Hm.  This secretary gig is kinda complicated.

The newbie