Waaaa....

This is me today.

Oh wait.  It's actually Kate today.

But it could be me.

Waa...

I try really hard not to go to this place.

The one where I feel sorry for myself

and only see negative things

and get hurt by things people say

(or things they don't say).

I see myself going there and yell to myself:

"Don't do it!"

But, much like my defiant children,

sometimes I don't listen.

And so I mope

and cry

and eat too much

and hide under the covers

(I really do that)

and yell at the kids for minor infractions

and then get mad at myself for being ridiculous.

And the cycle repeats.

Today was one of those stupid, dark days.

It didn't help that

I woke up too late to exercise

and

I have this cough/cold/sinus thing that won't go away

and

when I had to do something for my calling at the church

the girls ran like wild animals

and Kate ended up on the podium in the chapel

and

Kate wouldn't nap (third day in a row)

and

Lexi had the mother of all tantrums and fell asleep on the floor at 4:00 p.m.

and

Gavin ruined lots of the Valentines Day cards for Lexi's class

(which she needs for school tomorrow,

and I have to go to the store to replace them

because we had just enough the first time)

and

Zach came home from school extra surly and was very mean to me

and

I inexplicably threw up my lunch (what?!) and it got in my hair

and

it is laundry day, which is strangely very overwhelming

and

dinner was lame.

None of those things would usually bother me much.

(Well, except the mean child.)

But today, they did,

because I let them.

Today I cried at the dumbest things.

Today I had to remind myself about unconditional love

in the church parking lot

so I could go into a Court of Honor,

support my rank-advancing son,

and not embarrass myself with a breakdown.

Today someone else's problems made me really sad.

Do I recognize that my problems are

100% superficial?

Absolutely.

I have friends with major money problems.

I have friends struggling with infertility.

One friend is an alcoholic

and has lost custody of her son.

Another (my age) has cancer.

I have friends with children making bad choices,

and I see their heartache.

Sometimes I even think I feel my friends' heartaches

a little too much

and take them on as my own.

Hopefully even though I am

shallow

and insecure

and wrapped up in my own sad things

that aren't really important,

it's OK to take a day

and be frustrated with my life.

So tonight

I am going to bed early

and hoping that tomorrow is all sunshiny.

A girl can dream, right?